Nov 132012
 

of course the characters were there, we could see them all clearly, and we knew in unison that there was more work to be done.  i was aware of that.  i think everybody was.

i had to know the course of training we were asked for, but i was let down by it all.  i was consumed by the horror ahead.  i was made to feel terrible, and i was the only one apparently thrown from the edge, towards the border where i was found a while later.  i was taken for a fool.  i was.   but i was not foolish.  i was the hero for a short time.  for a few moments, i was held in awed and admiration and i love that.

i had to know more, so i kept pushing downward, towards the shore, feeling selected or broken, but always a bit alarmed or concerned.  i felt there was a need there, so i could not pursue myself any further.  i was the last one to know, of course, so there had to be jets and planes and atmospheres and all time put together.  i had to say that much.  i had to admit as much to myself.

i was chosen by the police because i was the cherished one, i was the one with the adult perspective and the savvy and cynicism.  i was the learned one.

so i thought, or maybe so i think i thought now then

i kept rambling so she told me shut up.  i was taken for a fool.  i said to her, stop taking me for a fool.  you need to take me for a hero.

she could not believe my ineptitude.  i cowered in fear from her eyes, sweet and velvety they kissed me so gently i was in love in a moment.

i hovered nearby.  i held my glass.  i circled her, inspecting her features, yes yes yes, fine fine fine, lovely, wonderful, wow

i had to know her

so i battled ahead with certitude and a feeling a righteousness not uncommon to these parts

i was left alone and hurt, really hurt all the way through.

i had to let myself down, but i did not know how.  i did not know how to leave here.  i did not know.

i was scared of the future, scared of the past, and scared of the now.  i had to leave myself alone, to bath myself in myself as it were, to find the missing link, to pursue at all costs, to run the mill, to bark loudly at the titans nearby.  i had to believe for just a few moments that i was special.  i had to believe that much.

i can take you seriously i can.  i can take you to the edge and i can remember the paths we had to take.  i can remember very well.

i almost always fixate on the future.  almost always.

i think of those days often.  i think of them fondly.  i remember when there was more to see than myself, more to hold than myself, more to me than myself, and i was palatable.

my identity was fluid, as it were.  i mean to say that i had not yet sold myself to a specific bidder concerning who or what would be my face to you all.

now as a man left alone, finally and finally, i can say with absolute certitude that the light was the brightest when i was the brightest, that is to say, i remember myself more than i remember others.  that is to say, i miss myself.  and i hope to see him very soon.  i remember when…

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